Crying again....

I am SO sad!

I hadn't cried for days.  Days and nights were filled with exhausting tasks and I had no time to feel sad. I got up, made myself look pretty, and smiled and talked in front of people.  But suddenly today, after getting a little message from him, I collapsed.  I cried and cried and cried.  Like a puppy dog who got lost, I didn't know what to do.  I lost my sense of directions.  I circled around, sat on the floor and collapsed.  I felt so lonely, so lonely.  Where are you, my love?  Do you even know that I'm still crying?

I know I should get over it, forgetting about you, giving up all hope...but how is that a happy future?  Where am I going to deposit my love? I don't understand.  How can so much love and feelings are produced and there's no recipient?  How can the world be balanced this way?  

I've mumbled. I've been lost.  I don't know exactly where I am but I know you are out there.  I want to find you and feel connected with you because I know you need to connect with me--

Who are you?  You are someone whose lover has walked away but you cannot let go.  You are someone who does not understand why there isn't a better solution but to break your heart.  You cannot let go not because you are weak or stupid or spineless.  You cannot leg go because you believe your feeling is true.  If there is only one thing that is true in the world, this is it!  It doesn't matter what you put in does not come back.  It doesn't matter, because giving feels right, because loving feels right, but where does all the love go?

Breaking feels wrong....

If you water a plant, the plant will grow.  You can look at the new leaves and smile.  If you think about him, continue sending your love toward his direction, if you keep loving and he doesn't respond, does it make sense?  Therapists say it's unhealthy. People think you can only start healing once you let go.  But what is there left if you let go?  Why doesn't anyone understand this?

5 W Questions

Are you still standing, Hera?

You've tried.  You've tried so hard to defend the family.  You've done everything... But he still wouldn't stay.  He still needed to cut you off.

No one can answer this--Why? Why does the world work this way?  Why do I deserve desertion?  Why do my children deserve it?  Why is the heartless one always the favored one?

No one can answer this--How?  How is it fair?  How am I going to make sense of the world?  How will I ever get rid of the dark cloud that is hanging over me?  How can I present a hopeful future for my children?

No one can answer this--Where?  Where is peace?  Where do I go from here?  Where do I hide myself from sympathetic looks?  Where is my family?  Where is my broken heart?

No one can answer this--Who?  Who can give me an answer?  Who is the wise old man who can guide me and enlighten me?  Who can truly understand me and not judge me?

No one can answer this--What?  What does this lead to?  What will I become without a heart? What will our family become?

It has been a month since he left.  The empty room...the empty space...the lost music and voice...the unbearable void....

Long time

It has been a long time....long time of uncertainty, suspense, suffering, reflection, and...hopefully growth.  Are you still out there, my friend?  Are you growing, traveling with me?