Someone Must be out there

Are you there?  Someone must be out there feeling the same as I do.  Desperate.  Can't find a way out.  Can't see any light in the future.

I know everyone says I deserve better and he's not worth of me.  I score high in every aspect of my life, except for this.  This is the only place where I stumbled and failed.  Why did he do this to me?  Such atrocity!  Such cruelty!

But I can't get over it.  I'm suffering not because I'm betrayed; I'm suffering because I love him so much, despite the betrayal.  What do I do?  I'm not a cliché.  My feeling is real.

Where are you?  I know you are out there.  I know millions of people must be feeling what I am feeling now.  What do you do when you love the person who betrays you so so much?  What do you do?  Answer me!

Swan Song

Every conversation, every photograph, every song you play, every moment of togetherness...is a swan song.  The eternal sadness is looming in the horizon.

Cherish this moment.  Look at you one more time and you are gone.  Look at me one more time and I am gone.  Smile. Last smile.  Tears. Last tears.  Will you remember my tears?

Talk about Love

Will someone please talk about love?  Whoever you turn to in an infidelity situation, wherever you go to present yourself as the "victim," what you get is--be strong, good to yourself, get a massage, you deserve better, go shopping, find a new hobby....What about love?  Can anyone tell me how to deal with the heart that is still burning and hurting?  Can anyone explain how love works?

How can it be?  All the therapists, advisors, specialists...everyone who is supposed to help does not talk about love.  "It'll get better," they say.  "Oh, I understand it hurts,"  they say.  And?  And?  And?  Love doesn't just die.  It keeps growing even after betrayal.  What should I do?  Where is a real Dr. Love?

Suspense

Where do the tides take you?  Is there light in the future?  I find I'm agitated, disturbed, unsettled, suspicious of any signs.  The best thing is a clearcut farewell, they'll say.  The best thing is not to count on happiness brought by him, they'll say.  The best thing is to forget, forget, forget....

They say you'll be happier.

But how can I forsake all the feelings?  The only true feeling, the feeling I cherish so much.  Forsaking it is betraying myself.  Betraying myself is worse than non-existence.

So I'm suspended....

Sacred Void

There is a space created by lack when one leaves.  It is a void, a crevice that opens to abyss, but a space nevertheless.  This space is sacred and no one will touch it.  We walk around it gingerly and we'll avoid it as much as possible.  As long as we respect it and keep distance from its opening, we will stay away from pain.

Pillars

If the walls of the fortress crumble, the pillars stand; if one of the four pillars falls, three can still hold up the sky.  As long as we keep our pillars standing strong, the fortress is here.

Storm

Storm is inevitable.  Storm is approaching.  Thunder, lightening, howling wind and pouring rain.  Our tears and crying will be covered by the storm.  No one can see us.  No one can hear us.  Total destruction.

Boys and girls, stand strong.  The fortress has to be defended.  We'll light a candle, make a fire.  We'll huddle together.  We'll be strong.  We'll support each other.  We'll love and love and love...

Virtual Invasion

How do you keep dirt off your face? Online video chat, instant messaging, texting...they are invading your homes.  Your spouse is home, spending time with you and the kids, but s/he is chatting online with the other party, using webcam showing your cute puppy to him/her.  A slap in the face! Ultimate insult!

Betrayal

Are you betrayed by someone you love?  Your spouse? Your parent? Are you wondering how love and betrayal can coexist? If forgive, love big, endure, and hope are the ways to sustain my family, why do I still feel so weak all the times? How did Hera stand strong and powerful?

Politics of Love

I love.  I love big.  I love my family and I know you feel the same.

Please don't insult us by dragging in "prop 8," the Republican slogan of "family value," or any rhetoric that is really designed to promote religious doctrine.

I'm only talking about heart and conscience.  No politics, please!

Devotion

Do you find yourself devoting all your energy, every breath in your waking hours, all your thought to your family?  Or, all your devotion goes into a family that is on the verge of breaking?

That's me! I'm a successful professional, beautiful and competent.  I'm scoring high in every aspect in my life, except for my family.  What do you do when you are betrayed by your spouse but you still love him with all your heart because he's part of the family and because you just love him? Do you find yourself yelling silently "keep the dirt outside of the family!"? Do you find yourself fiercely defending your children, or even pet, trying not to get them "dirty"? Do you find yourself crying while walking, driving, shopping?

This blog is not seeking methods to "get even," or to "go on with your lives," or to realize "you deserve better than this."  This is a hope to find people who believe in the same thing--family.  Family is not a legal institution.  It is not negotiable.  My love is big, but my heart is fragile and it hurts a lot.  I know you understand.