Crying again....

I am SO sad!

I hadn't cried for days.  Days and nights were filled with exhausting tasks and I had no time to feel sad. I got up, made myself look pretty, and smiled and talked in front of people.  But suddenly today, after getting a little message from him, I collapsed.  I cried and cried and cried.  Like a puppy dog who got lost, I didn't know what to do.  I lost my sense of directions.  I circled around, sat on the floor and collapsed.  I felt so lonely, so lonely.  Where are you, my love?  Do you even know that I'm still crying?

I know I should get over it, forgetting about you, giving up all hope...but how is that a happy future?  Where am I going to deposit my love? I don't understand.  How can so much love and feelings are produced and there's no recipient?  How can the world be balanced this way?  

I've mumbled. I've been lost.  I don't know exactly where I am but I know you are out there.  I want to find you and feel connected with you because I know you need to connect with me--

Who are you?  You are someone whose lover has walked away but you cannot let go.  You are someone who does not understand why there isn't a better solution but to break your heart.  You cannot let go not because you are weak or stupid or spineless.  You cannot leg go because you believe your feeling is true.  If there is only one thing that is true in the world, this is it!  It doesn't matter what you put in does not come back.  It doesn't matter, because giving feels right, because loving feels right, but where does all the love go?

Breaking feels wrong....

If you water a plant, the plant will grow.  You can look at the new leaves and smile.  If you think about him, continue sending your love toward his direction, if you keep loving and he doesn't respond, does it make sense?  Therapists say it's unhealthy. People think you can only start healing once you let go.  But what is there left if you let go?  Why doesn't anyone understand this?

5 W Questions

Are you still standing, Hera?

You've tried.  You've tried so hard to defend the family.  You've done everything... But he still wouldn't stay.  He still needed to cut you off.

No one can answer this--Why? Why does the world work this way?  Why do I deserve desertion?  Why do my children deserve it?  Why is the heartless one always the favored one?

No one can answer this--How?  How is it fair?  How am I going to make sense of the world?  How will I ever get rid of the dark cloud that is hanging over me?  How can I present a hopeful future for my children?

No one can answer this--Where?  Where is peace?  Where do I go from here?  Where do I hide myself from sympathetic looks?  Where is my family?  Where is my broken heart?

No one can answer this--Who?  Who can give me an answer?  Who is the wise old man who can guide me and enlighten me?  Who can truly understand me and not judge me?

No one can answer this--What?  What does this lead to?  What will I become without a heart? What will our family become?

It has been a month since he left.  The empty room...the empty space...the lost music and voice...the unbearable void....

Long time

It has been a long time....long time of uncertainty, suspense, suffering, reflection, and...hopefully growth.  Are you still out there, my friend?  Are you growing, traveling with me?  

Someone Must be out there

Are you there?  Someone must be out there feeling the same as I do.  Desperate.  Can't find a way out.  Can't see any light in the future.

I know everyone says I deserve better and he's not worth of me.  I score high in every aspect of my life, except for this.  This is the only place where I stumbled and failed.  Why did he do this to me?  Such atrocity!  Such cruelty!

But I can't get over it.  I'm suffering not because I'm betrayed; I'm suffering because I love him so much, despite the betrayal.  What do I do?  I'm not a cliché.  My feeling is real.

Where are you?  I know you are out there.  I know millions of people must be feeling what I am feeling now.  What do you do when you love the person who betrays you so so much?  What do you do?  Answer me!

Swan Song

Every conversation, every photograph, every song you play, every moment of togetherness...is a swan song.  The eternal sadness is looming in the horizon.

Cherish this moment.  Look at you one more time and you are gone.  Look at me one more time and I am gone.  Smile. Last smile.  Tears. Last tears.  Will you remember my tears?

Talk about Love

Will someone please talk about love?  Whoever you turn to in an infidelity situation, wherever you go to present yourself as the "victim," what you get is--be strong, good to yourself, get a massage, you deserve better, go shopping, find a new hobby....What about love?  Can anyone tell me how to deal with the heart that is still burning and hurting?  Can anyone explain how love works?

How can it be?  All the therapists, advisors, specialists...everyone who is supposed to help does not talk about love.  "It'll get better," they say.  "Oh, I understand it hurts,"  they say.  And?  And?  And?  Love doesn't just die.  It keeps growing even after betrayal.  What should I do?  Where is a real Dr. Love?